jerriwrites:

Trigger Warning: Self harm. 

 Frisk was starting to get nervous. Chara wasn’t the
bathroom, nor were they in the dining room with everyone else. The living room
was empty and both had a silent agreement to never go into Toriel’s room
without permission.

Chara must have gone back to their room. They had been
distant lately, but they never really hid like this before. Hid their emotions
sure, but themselves altogether? Never. Something was off. And Toriel seemed
desperate to find Chara…and that was in…the…kitchen…

…

Oh crap.

---

Chara looked at their finger curiously. The small blot of
red ink had already dried, but the relief that they felt had remained.

It’s funny, but looking at it now, it kind of reminded them
of the time they…cut my finger! Chara wanted
to cry. They dealt with the bullies at school. Then, as soon as they got home,
their brother started beating them up again. They had just gotten away, running
to the kitchen to grab a can of their favorite soda to make up for the crummy
day. The pull tab popped off, but the can remained unopened. Without thinking,
they pressed down on seam with too much force, cutting themselves. How can this
day get worse!

Chara slunk down to
the floor, trying to calm down. Things…needed to get better soon. Someone had
to listen to them! If only their mother would. She was more concerned with
looking like the perfect parent than actually being a parent. Maybe since they
were going to endure him anyway, they could get their brother to be less careful
with his…brotherly love. One good hit to the eye would be very hard to cover
up. Someone would notice…

…they hoped.

Chara looked at their cut; darken now with their bright red blood. Something was weird about it. The pain
was different. Yes it hurt, but it was also reliving in some way they couldn’t
explain.

This pain wasn’t
given by anyone else.

This pain, they
controlled.

---

Frisk ran back to their room. Sure enough, it was locked.

“Chara. Chara!” Frisk said, their voice barely above a
whisper. Frisk tried to get Chara’s attention without alerting everyone else. They prayed that Chara wasn’t planning one of their random acts of aggression. They knocked on the door softly, hoping Chara would answer, but nothing happened. Either
Chara was asleep or they were ignoring Frisk, or they were…

Frisk decided to knock on door louder. Nothing changed. Sighing,
they returned to the living room, mauling over what to do in their head. They
weren’t paying attention when Toriel came out of the dining room.

“Ahh, there you are my child. Have you found Chara yet?” Toriel
asked. She looked even more nervous than before.

This was bad. Frisk could tell Toriel everything and have
her open the door. But what if Chara had a knife again? They could attack
Toriel again. That wasn’t something Frisk wanted.

I can fix this! But…I’m going to have to…

“Oh, they’re fine Mom! For some reason, they’re taking a
shower! Can you believe it? Something about doing normal things now that they
have a body?” Frisk laughed nervously.

…lie. I know I can
pull this off! Maybe Mom won’t notice?

“They’ll join us as soon as they can…but…they asked me…”
Frisk looked around quickly. “…to grab their old doll! There it is!” Frisk quickly
picked the doll, forcing a big grin on their face. “Found it!”

Toriel’s eyes started to narrow, making Frisk forced grin
shrink in size.

“I’m…just going go see if they’re ready…” Frisk said,
dashing out of the living room.

Okay, so that wasn’t
the greatest plan. Frisk panted. They
had stopped a moment in front of their bedroom to catch their breath and gather
their thoughts.

If they were going to fix the problem, they were going to
need to get into their room. Chara wasn’t responding so the only other way to
get in was to unlock the door. And the only person that had the key is…

Frisk looked down the hallway at their Mom’s bedroom. They
key had to be in there somewhere.

In for a penny…

---

That was the first time Chara was ever in control of the
pain they felt. Knowing when and how it came made all the pain bearable. No one
understood. No one care. No one stepped in to help them, but that was okay.
They unconsciously rubbed their upper arms.

They found a way to help themselves.

Chara took off their sweater and marked their right arm with
the red marker. Every mark felt made them feel like they did before. Was it
helping or were they just following old habits?

They really couldn’t say.

But every mark…

You know, I think you
do this for attention. It’s like saying ‘sorry bro, but hanging out with you
just isn’t enough for me’. I’m actually kinda hurt.

…seem to bring back the pain and the memories…

And you know what makes
me feel better when I’m hurt? Taking it out on other people!

…they rather forget.

Maybe I’ll show you
how with that classmate you keep crying about. The one that calls you a ‘freak’!?

Yet each mark…

Chara, what’s that red
stuff? Is this normal for humans? Chara why are you crying!?

…brought back…

My child, your father
and I are worried about you. We can’t understand why you’re doing this to
yourself.

…that control they felt.

Won’t you stop, my
child?

No, Chara can’t stop. When their right hand and arm was
completely red, they moved over to their left arm and continued marking.

How could they stop…

Where am I? A flower
bed?

…the only thing…

I…died right? Is it
finally over!? Can I finally rest!?

…that had helped them all this time?

No. No no no! Why am I
still here!? What did I do to deserve to suffer like this!?

Why couldn’t they just have this?

Why must I help the
living when all I want is to die?

Why is it when it feels like people…

You don’t want to kill
for their love.

…finally understand how they feel…

I genuinely care about
you, Chara

…something has to ruin it?

We are friends in a totally platonic way.

---

Frisk was frustrated. They were hoping that finding the key
would be as simple as walking in, grabbing the key from Toriel’s desk, and
leave just as quickly.

They were wrong.

They have since checked the bed, on the bookshelf, and
in her dresser. Nothing. It didn’t help that they were on a time limit. Half an hour has passed since Toriel asked them to find Chara. By now, Toriel
had moved on to the main course. If it wasn’t for the dinner she was hosting,
she probably would have caught Frisk red handed.

Thank goodness for
small blessings.

Frisk looked down at the little carpet mat their Mom brought
with them from the underground. It made them smile. One of their admittedly few
fond memories of the orphanage was the welcome mat. It was the silliest thing!
The grownups had put so much effort in securing the place so the kids would be safe
(and secure), yet they left a key under the mat! Every kid knew about it! It
allowed Frisk to sneak out and get back in whenever they wanted!

A key under…the…mat…

…

No it couldn’t be…

Frisk bent down and moved the mat, revealing the key to
their bedroom door.

Maybe…it doesn’t
matter if you are a human or a monster. Maybe when you become a grownup, you
end up thinking a certain way.

Frisk picked up the key and dashed out of the room.

I’m coming, Chara!

---

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Author’s Note: I wrote this for @soulless-pacifist‘s “The Split” event, which is posted here!

This was a difficult chapter to write.
I cut myself once or twice, but it wasn’t something I found pleasurable or
addicting, so I stopped. So I hope I represented someone in
that mindset as accurately as possible. I hope I did so in a way that
felt real and didn’t romanticize or demagogue cutters.